Problems with guilt, shame, and self-criticism is usually rooted in a sense of rejection. One grows up with the feeling, from family or harsh religion, that they are always wrong or bad. This attitude is usually tied into a distortion of God as very easy to anger. It is born out of harsh authoritarian experiences.
Many people have harsh, self-critical tendencies and expectations that they don’t always recognize. If you have those tendencies, or if you grew up with an authority figure who was a perfectionist, then those tendencies are likely to fuel distortions in your view of yourself (and God).
A critical parent (or coach or family member) often creates a situation where we try to be perfect to avoid criticism. Also, first-born children can become “little adults” who strive for perfection because they are trying to be like the adults in the home. Anyone who grows up too fast due to loss, sickness, addiction, or trauma is also likely to have perfectionist tendencies. (That sounds like almost everyone, doesn’t it?)
Add to that, a home where there is favoritism or a lot of competition (between the kids or between parent and child) can create perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. Individuals in this kind of environment need to prove themselves over and over to get attention or validation. There is a sense that they are never good enough or that they can’t just sit and relax (because that is lazy). They may become a workaholic, overly driven to achieve, or unduly focused on pleasing others in order to prove their worth.
It is easy to see how this also contaminates our view of God. If WE are hard on ourselves, we will assume God looks at us the same way. If we GREW UP with someone who was too hard on us, then we are likely to assume God looks at us harshly.
You can see that these experiences of rejection, competition, disappointment, or high expectations impact our view of ourselves in a negative way. These expectations and undercurrents impact
- How WE think God views us
- How we THINK God judges us
- How we judge OURSELVES.
It is necessary to forgive ourselves (and often others) for the imbalances and rejection that stirred up all this confusion. A prayer to help you release these toxic attitudes is written at the end of this blog.
Hidden Perfectionism
We think of perfectionism as needing to be perfect, but it shows up in many forms. Similar to perfectionism is
- Self criticism where I am never happy with my accomplishments, looks, performance, status, or behavior.
- Expectations that I can handle everything well, without help, in spite of how I am feeling or how many things are going wrong.
- Demands I place on myself to do more, be more efficient, and try harder.
This translates spiritually into what many call “striving”. It is the idea that if I try hard enough, God will be happy with me (or I won’t hate myself). The Bible teaches that we are loved and valued by God apart from our efforts. We cannot earn our way to salvation or to MORE of God’s love. Our connection is secure through our faith in Christ’s payment for our sin (Ephesians 2:8; Romans 4:3, 5, 16; Psalm 46:10).
This unconditional love, initiated by God towards us, is hard for many people to accept. Most people seem to have “grids” that love is earned by achievement, charm, status, success or some other effort. Most of us are not comfortable with being loved just for being ourselves. And yet, that is what many people long for at their core.
If you think about it, the “religious” people in the Bible who were big on rules and short on love and compassion were the Pharisees. They attacked and argued with Jesus. Jesus confronted them about their pride and spiritual blindness. When our faith is driven by the need to earn God’s approval, we have lost our bearings (Galatians 4:7, 9; Galatians 5:5).
You can see how it is easy to get stuck in a view of ourselves (or God) that is based on OUR performance instead of HIS compassion. It is hard to maintain joy or peace if we are approaching God with an attitude of perfectionism or “striving”.
Toxic Guilt and Shame
Experts distinguish guilt from shame. Guilt says I feel bad because of what I’ve done. Shame says I am bad because of who I am. Guilt is normal when we’ve done something bad. It helps people be civilized. Guilt is resolved by apologizing and making things right with other people or with God (I John 1:9). Shame is probably never healthy.
A person who grows up with lots of criticism, shaming, or guilt for normal mistakes will be more likely to have trouble with self-acceptance. Some then rebel completely against God, are drawn to religious groups that are excessively strict and authoritarian (like cults), or have trouble accepting forgiveness. Toxic guilt and shame is perpetuated by churches who are heavy on rules and duty (“religion”) and light on extending grace. Only Jesus has the perfect balance of mercy and truth.
As stated previously, chronic guilt and shame is born out of a sense of rejection. One grows up with the feeling, from family or harsh religion, that they are always wrong or bad.
Much has been written on the way we unconsciously associate the shortcomings of parents or authority figures with the way we view God. If my parents held grudges or gave me the “silent treatment” when I misbehaved, then I will have trouble recognizing that God is quick to forgive me. If I was rejected by parents, siblings, or peers, then I may come to feel unworthy of love. I resist receiving love if I have already concluded that I don’t deserve to be loved.
Here is a prayer you can use if you would like to address some of these attitudes that you have learned about yourself and God. The following prayer may help you soften tendencies towards guilt, shame, and self-criticism.
Prayer To Release Perfectionism
I choose to forgive __________________ for the criticism, demands, and lack of approval that led me to develop perfectionism and excessive demands on myself and others.
I admit my sin of resentment or anger I have carried against ___________ because of the pressure they put on me.
I repent for any unhealthy pride I have taken in being a perfectionist. I repent for any ways I have placed harsh, unrealistic expectations on others.
I ask You, Lord, to take the shame, fear, anger, and any sense of rejection I have carried into YOUR body on the cross. I ask You to forgive all my sin and help me to walk in a balance of love, truth, and excellence without striving for perfectionism.
I accept Your forgiveness for my sins and mistakes. Only You are perfect, Lord Jesus. I choose to forgive myself. Thank you that You love me and accept me. I yield myself to You, Lord Jesus.
These excerpts are taken from my book, “Correcting Distortions in Your View of God.”
Listen to a sample of my audio book “How to STOP Self-Criticism.”
