After a break up, you may feel like you will never be okay again. But there are steps you can take that will help you move forward. In time, you can be yourself again. In fact, if you learn some things about yourself and relationships, you might be better than ever.
Here are some tips that help people recover after a break up or divorce. I have some additional links to videos at the end of this list that may help you continue to move forward and improve your coping strategies.
- List the 10 WORST things that they ever did to you. Review that list when you miss them and want to contact them.
- People tend to focus on the good times (unrealistically) rather than the things that they overlooked about the partner. REMEMBER the dysfunctional parts of the relationship that you put up with over and over. Remember those things when you start to rehearse the good times.
- Write a letter that you are NOT going to send. Hold nothing back. Keep writing on a regular basis to process your pain, disappointment and anger.
- Anyone can be kind for a few months. People put on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. It takes at least 3-6 months of regular contact before you begin to see what another person’s real issues are. It takes even longer to recognize if the relationship is long distance. If warning signs show up early in the relationship, the person is REALLY not a good partner for anyone!
- Sex and chemistry are NOT the same as love. You can be very attracted to a person who is toxic.
- Sometimes we hold on to the endorphin rush that time with the person created. We may miss the attention or the “high” that we had rather than actually missing the PERSON. If you have problems with self-esteem, you are more likely to want to hold on to that rush even if the person was toxic.
- You can get over ANYONE if you decide you want to or need to move on. It will take time and it does hurt. If you try to hold on to a person who has broken up with you, it will prolong your pain. It also communicates a desperation that makes you less attractive to that partner.
- People who lie or cheat rarely change. They will treat the next person the same way.
- Some people are not capable of truly loving another person. They look out only for themselves and don’t really bond. That’s why it is easy for them to move on or to be devious. Sometimes the person has narcissistic tendencies which makes them charming (at first) but also shallow and cruel to anyone who loves them.
- Avoid calling, texting, or checking their social media. It will only intensify your pain.
- The more trouble he/she caused you, the less time and energy he/she is worth. As you are ready, get rid of the things that tie you to the past.
- Use your supports when you are lonely and when you need to talk. Many people use online groups (such as Facebook groups) to get the extra support they need while they heal.
One big mistake that women often make is that they want to contact their former partner because they need “closure.” More contact with that person will not give you the closure that you want. You will have peace only when you have moved through some grieving – which can only occur with time. If someone closed the door on you, then they are not going to help you move forward. In fact, they may string you along or blame you and make your pain even worse. As hard as it is, let them go so that you can heal.
If you are having problems with depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or insomnia you should consult with your doctor right away! Do not let this person define your worth.
Learn what you can about yourself and about healthy relationships while you are recovering from this loss. You can become a stronger and happier person in time. Avoid blaming yourself for the normal flaws and mistakes that are part of life. Using a journal during this time is a great way to process your grief and anger, learn about yourself, build your faith, and track the things that you are learning.
“The Lord is close to all whose hearts are crushed by pain…” Psalm 34:18 The Passion Translation
(Scroll down to hear a sample from the audiobook.)
AudioBook: 12 Steps to Survive a Break Up
Additional Video Resources:
