Dealing with a Narcissist?
Why Common Sense Won’t Work
Many people are aware of the symptoms of narcissism when dealing with a difficult coworker, family member, or romantic partner. However, recognizing the symptoms is not enough to help you manage the field of land mines that can accompany interactions with such individuals.
We live in a culture that promotes narcissism (i.e., self-serving entitlement) rather than cooperation. As such, common sense approaches to relating don’t work with individuals who have an overly self-serving or manipulative style of interacting. (I call their approach “The Carrot and the Stick”.)
Initially, a Narcissistic individual may be exceptionally charming and engaging. They may appear attentive and especially considerate. Unfortunately, this approach is actually a calculated strategy in order to build trust, disarm your defenses, and then extract resources of time, affection, favors, or money.
At first there are no clear indicators that you are being manipulated other than the fact that this person is exceptionally considerate and engaging. That is what I call “The Carrot”. However, over time, they will exhaust your reserves with their requests and need for favors, When you begin to try to say no to their expectations you will see “The Stick”. Their kindness becomes sarcasm, indifference, blaming, conflict, or some other form of unexpected drama. It may feel very confusing to you when this starts to happen. They seemed so nice up to this point.
This sudden change is why it is important to build trust slowly and make exceptions for people gradually and selectively. It takes time to see people’s true motives and it may be a warning sign when you are consistently giving special treatment (i.e., favors outside of your normal behavior) to someone.
What can you do when you recognize that you have gotten tangled in a web of manipulation or narcissism? Here are some tips:
1. Avoid emotional discussions. More “communication” won’t help with a person who has an agenda. You are likely to be blamed for whatever has transpired.
2. Have realistic expectations. This person is not likely to respond to reason or fairness. Giving a person “more chances” who has already demonstrated disrespect for you is not going to produce change. Many people of faith (of which I am one) have the mistaken idea that it is Christian or virtuous to give people multiple opportunities to violate your trust. Jesus tells us to be “wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove”. That means we should not take revenge but we need to use wisdom to avoid repeated disrespect.
3. Figure out where you need to adjust your behavior. When they expect your help you can politely let the other person know, “I’m sorry, I can’t do that.” Using a sentence that starts with “I” avoids blaming and arguing in most situations.
4. Stick to your boundaries. It is not necessary to give a lengthy explanation of why you are changing the boundary. Your polite decline sends the message.
You can learn more about empowering yourself against those who would try to control you by listening to my podcast series on Narcissism. Here is a link to the first episode: “Recognizing Narcissism.”