Many people respond to unrelenting stress or intense pressure and control by becoming passive. This passivity makes sense in that there can be severe emotional or physical consequences from fighting a parent, partner, or system that lacks mercy. Later in life, people may still feel overwhelmed and helpless when problems arise. They may retreat in hopelessness or allow others to tell them what to do rather than take charge of their own direction and game plan for life.
It is true that some individuals become angry and lash out at everyone when they have lived with uncontrollable stress. Others are able to become crusaders to advocate for victims. Some unusual people can hold on to their ability to think and act independently. But, many become somewhat passive, feel helpless or easily overwhelmed, and avoid conflict of any kind. They may to lose their ability to fight for themselves in even the smallest ways.
You may be kind, patient, and compassionate. You may be a follower by nature. There is nothing wrong with any of that. However, when we have difficulty with asking for what we need we will soon feel unappreciated, resentful, or used by other people.
The opposite of being passive or helpless is to be proactive. A proactive person takes care of their medical needs, looks for options, has goals, takes calculated risks in life, and makes a plan to move forward in the aspects of their lives that aren’t satisfactory. They calmly protect themselves from toxic people and situations. I describe that attitude as being “fully alive.”
There are simple steps anyone can take to begin to move into a more proactive way of living. As we cover these different suggestions, consider the one step where it might be easiest for you to begin. Attempts to change are most effective when we take one step at a time.
Steps Out of Helplessness and Passivity
- Identify your choices and options.
- Examine your automatic mind sets.
- Respect your own thoughts and preferences.
- Start expressing preferences in simple things.
- Develop positive habits and supports.
Examine Your Automatic Thoughts
Habits of thinking impact our mood and motivation. We develop habits of thinking based how we are treated and what we observe.
Every family is different and every individual has unique experiences. It is important for people to realize that families, businesses, clubs, support groups, and churches can be healthy or unhealthy. Most are something of a mixture (because nothing is perfect here on earth). However, there is some commonality of how dysfunctional families and organizations operate. We need to examine any mind sets we have absorbed or developed that are keeping us frozen in time.
Dysfunctional families, organizations, and cultures often have rigid rules. These rules are not written down but they are generally along the lines of: don’t think, don’t feel, don’t talk (Nenn, 2019). Violating these unwritten rules results in swift and severe punishment. Like the baby elephant in the “Learned Helplessness” example, one learns not to try to escape the limits of the system. The rules become a way of life even after the rope is untied from the tree. If your employer, neighborhood, family, group, or religious organization operates by these unwritten rules, it is going to take some effort to change your automatic mind sets.
Mind sets that encourage passive acceptance of suffering, abuse, or injustice as “God’s will” are not consistent with my understanding of the Bible. Chronic guilt is not consistent with the teachings about God’s forgiveness. Those kind of mind sets are not healthy spiritually or emotionally.
When there is a heavy emphasis on fear (of a person or of God) there is an imbalance. Some of the books I have written help people untangle religious mind sets that are problematic. Check my books, videos, or podcast if this is something you need. (There is also a little more on this subject in my media on Perfectionism.)
You can learn to identify and address your problematic mind sets. I believe the most effective strategy is to journal your negative thoughts and feelings. This helps people identify their own attitudes and emotions. Many people are surprised by the attitudes they find in their thinking!
After people are removed from dysfunctional environments, they often keep programming themselves to think in negative ways. Here is where we need to examine our self-critical mind sets. It is good to want to take responsibility for our actions and grow as a person. However, self-criticism is rarely helpful or useful. Self-criticism provokes guilt, anxiety, and depression.
Recognizing your negative self-talk is a big step in helping you untie the rope of helplessness and passivity. Many people have good ideas but they talk themselves out of insightful perceptions and clever strategies due to their lack of self-confidence. Interrupt your negative self-talk and replace it with something positive. Say to yourself something more kind and positive. Say something to yourself that you would say to a friend. Take charge of how you talk to yourself! (I have many YouTube videos and podcast episodes to help you understand how to use a journal to change your inner dialogue.)
Respect Your Own Thoughts And Preferences
Whether you use a journal or just become more aware of your own internal reactions to situations around you, it is vital that you learn to respect your own perceptions. You don’t always have to be right, but you want to be true to yourself. You can apologize or revise your views, but it starts with recognizing and valuing your own opinions.
Dysfunctional families and systems teach people not to trust. That includes not trusting yourself. Since thinking and talking are discouraged in most stressful environments, most people doubt themselves and their own common sense over time. They believe others are always right and they are always wrong, selfish, stupid, etc. Interrupt that mind set! It is not possible to be right 100% of the time, but it is also impossible to be wrong all of the time! Start valuing your own perceptions, common sense, and preferences. Those qualities make you a unique human being.
Start Expressing Your Preferences in Simple Things
If you are a person who operates from a passive mind set, it may be scary to start expressing your preferences. Start small. Start with people that accept your right to a personal opinion.
When you are asked, “What would you like to eat?”, “Where would you like to go?”, or “What would you like to watch?” then that is your invitation to express an opinion. Don’t say “I don’t care” even if you don’t really mind how things progress. You are not forcing anyone to obey you. You are just expressing your preferences. Negotiation starts with preferences. Taking charge of your life starts with expressing your preferences. As you get comfortable, you can branch out from there.
Pay attention to your own internal reactions and thoughts. You don’t have to argue with other people, but you can show more respect for your own opinions. Check out my chapter on “Boundaries” where we discussed the need to examine your options when things are consistently uncomfortable with specific people.
To summarize, an overly passive approach to life may be related to personality style, role models, anxiety, low self-confidence, depression, or a history of trauma. Regardless of the reason, taking one small step each week to increase your sense of personal power and confidence can move you forward into a happier way of life.
This is taken from my book, “Anxiety, Depression & Helplessness: Keys to Break Free.”
I cite an article by Kerry Nenn in this blog. Although the article is written for adult children of alcoholics, the rules apply to all types of dysfunctional systems. This is the article: Nenn, K. (September 21, 2023). “3 Rules Carried Over by the Adult Children of Alcoholics”. American Addiction Centers. https://rehabs.com/blog/3-rules-carried-over-by-the-adult-children-of-alcoholics.
